Question: Father, what should an Orthodox woman do when, after 26 years of marriage, she has endured ongoing emotional, psychological, and at times physical abuse, sacrificing herself for her husband and children, living without intimacy for years, being insulted, controlled, and even mocked for her faith? She now sees this harm affecting her children, feels spiritually exhausted, and is losing her prayer life. How can she protect her soul and her children while remaining faithful to God?
The answer of Fr. Andrew Lemeshonok to the question:
I think a situation like this, as it now stands, has not come about by chance. No one forced either of them into married life; no one carried them off; no one made them do it. How did it come to this? How was it allowed to go on for twenty-six years? How did it grow into what it is now? That is a question not only for the husband, but for the wife too. What now? How can life move forward? How do you get out of this dead end?
Here, one has to stop and think over one’s whole life, look again at one’s relationship, because there are children involved, and of course they are the ones who suffer most. A mother might think, “Fine, I am a fool, I will bear it to the end. I do not pity myself, but I pity the children.” And indeed, we must pity the children.
Perhaps you need to find something beautiful in your husband; he is human, after all. Clearly, each spouse sees things from their own side: the wife says one thing, the husband something quite different. I have grown used to this, so I listen with half an ear, you know. You look at the person more than you listen to the words. We might fail to understand even the person closest to us, building our lives entirely on our own versions and assumptions. The husband sees things in a completely different light. Often I say, “Bring your husband, and we will talk.” When he comes, I say to the wife, “He is the holy one in your home, not you.” Then she takes offence. Because we live selfishly — we are all selfish, in some way — it can seem that we suffer so much, while the other person is the tyrant. Though sometimes, of course, it is the other way round.
So we must come to our senses somehow. Yet we have support: we have the Church, confession, and Holy Communion. We have the chance to discover each other anew, to see ourselves afresh, and to correct the mistakes that have built up over the years. You can start everything over. You can begin life again after twenty-six years. You can rebuild, but that requires boldness, inspiration, and courage. Otherwise, you just grit your teeth and go on suffering, without any hope of change.
