The question: I feel the pull to monasticism, but I also have an overwhelming amount of love to give and feel the desire to give it to a husband. I've heard from so many monastics that there will be a burning desire for either one or the other- the problem is, I have an equally mellow desire for both. I'm praying like crazy but all I feel is alone. How do I choose? Is it wrong for an Orthodox woman to stay single in the world if there's no extravagant pull towards one or the other? How do I discern this? I can't help but feel as though I've done something to make Christ leave me. Please help...
The answer: Firstly, Christ never abandons anyone. On the contrary, He calls out: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened." He doesn't forsake us; we are the ones who turn away from God. But Christ never leaves our side.
In your situation, I would advise you to hold back for now, live attentively, and pray that the Lord reveals His will to you. And this will happen when you either truly meet someone you love and wish to build a family with, or perhaps later you'll feel that your path lies in the monastery, dedicating your life to serving God. I believe that God will surely reveal this to you.
But you must ask for it, strive for it, and make it the central focus of your life – finding your path. Because, of course, you can remain single in the world. Many live fulfilling lives this way, serving God and others. That's a form of service, too.
You yearn for clarity, and may God grant it to you. I think patience is key here. Your age isn't critical yet; in your early thirties, you could still have ten children. So, take it easy...
